SELF-WORTH WHAT IT IS, AND IS NOT

by Vince Fox

If you feel-I did not say think-that you are worthless, you may be and probably are a victim of a culture that has told you that your worth depends on your achievements and the judgments of others. The feeling of worthlessness besets and enervates men and women, but in different ways.

For women it can be a devastating experience, especially for those who experience depression after a loss of love or approval. The same society which supports organized brutality in the form
of football and boxing, assigned them second-class citizen status-a promotion from the third-class status of only 30 years ago. They are vulnerable, they are moving targets.

And men? David Burns, in his wonderful book, Feeling Good, wrote that men are even more vulnerable than women to feelings of worthlessness. He points out that men have been programmed since childhood to base their worth on their accomplishments. They must deal with unrealistic expectations assigned to them by the society in which they live. Winners are enshrined: all others are 'losers,' and are forgotten. Our culture tells us that what we do is important. What we are is not. That's wrong, dead wrong.

Consider this….

If you base your worth on achievements such as production and advancement, you may dig yourself into a depressive pit when you fail (as we humans often do) to accomplish some objective or goal. Some modest and reasonable achievement in life is, of course, necessary. It's a matter of moderation and balance, working sensibly within the limits of your time, talents, and opportunities. My five foot, six inch neighbor will never play Center for the Boston Celtics. (But he's a grand teacher!)

David Burns wrote, 'Consider the fact that most human beings are not great achievers, yet most people [survive, and] are happy and well respected.'

If you base your worth on positive or negative criticisms from others, remember that these are merely judgments by people who don't have all the facts and who have no right to act as your self-appointed judges. If you determine your worth by such judgments, your life will be an up and down roller coaster ride that will make your life miserable. * Your best is good enough.

So much for the common, distorted, twisted, damaging, hurtful, unrealistic, impossible and downright stupid definition of self-worth.

* Albert Ellis has written extensively on this subject. He refers to 'The doctrine of variable worth.' Here's what worth is really all about.

Worth is a philosophical idea, not a yardstick. Worth is based on self-judgment, not other- judgment. Worth is a constant, not a variable.

Your worth is not contingent on your performance, degrees, trophies, possessions, titles, money, behavior, or the judgment of anyone but you. And even you cannot judge it: you can only recognize it. Your worth is intrinsic to you as a human being distinguished from all other forms of life. If you are a Believer, you know that your worth transcends the mere human. You are part human, part divine. For a Believer to unfairly criticize the self is bad judgment, and to criticize God is impolite. Rudeness is not one of the seven cardinal sins, but it could be the eighth.

Your behavior may be rational or irrational and your accomplishments modest or enormous, but you are you, a human being with a mind and will. You are a million light years beyond your closest kin in the animal world, and sixty-eleven-trillion zillion light years (plus or minus six months) beyond any inanimate object in any galaxy or universe.

You can neither increase nor diminish your worth. Among humans, you are not just special-you are unique. Please don't concern yourself about self-esteem and self-love. Those ideas involve rating, measuring (comparing to others), and judging.* Just accept yourself for what you are, a diamond in the rough. (But polish it once in a while.) Paul Hauck wrote a book on the subject of self-worth: Overcoming The Rating Game: Beyond Self-Love: Beyond Self-Esteem. Much recommended.

So please don't tell me-or you-that you are worthless. If someone said to you the things you say to yourself, you would be insulted and probably say something like, 'You have no Goddamned right to say that!' Right, but then, neither do you.

Almost any therapist would tell you what I've just told you. So, spend $100 and check it out, or think it through and accept it. My advice is cheap-inexpensive, that is. If you accept the truth and feel better, send a quarter to Vince Fox, 5351 E. 9th Street, Indianapolis, IN 46219. If you accept it and don't feel better, let me know, and I'll send you a quarter.

Sometimes I think people who feel worthless also think of themselves as perfectionists. Perfectionism borders on arrogance, and it's a nasty mind game, which sets up the self as a sure loser. Someone recently said to me (he was bragging), 'I'm a perfectionist, you know.' I faked a sad and sympathetic frown and replied, 'Gee, I'm sorry to hear that,' then added, 'Just you and God, eh?' My young friend was shocked. He frowned, took the point, and then experienced one of those delightful 'Aha' moments of enlightenment. It was a great moment for him, and my privilege to share in it.
by SMART Recovery